Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
