??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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