there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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