People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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