Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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