I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
