i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
