I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
