I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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