I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
