How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
