I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
