my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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