Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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