if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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