Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
