Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
