The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
