it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
soo... how was my night?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
