Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
