I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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