I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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