So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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