i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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