I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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