Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
