And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
