If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
