i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
