I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
