I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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