The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
