i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
