The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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