Need sex. Gaining weight.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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