I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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