I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Someone signed my nipple.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
