I haven't been this sober since birth.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
