No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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