My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
