im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
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the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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