I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
