Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
