Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
