I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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