I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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