beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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