I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
