dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
