I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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