just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
