You're completely useless in the revolution.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
