my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
