yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
