Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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