They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
